By: Jason Saperstone

On the week of September 24th, brand new wooden tables began making their way into the lunch room. One by one, the army of wooden tables began to take over our beloved tables.

“These tables represent the bourgeois entering our school through our cafeteria and stuffing their capitalist ideals down our throats,” says Ben Haber ‘21, almost brought to tears after the catastrophic events took place. Other students had a lot to say, and couldn’t stand by without weighing their opinions.

“It has a different vibe. It really makes the lunchroom look… different.” says Blake Silk, 21. Blake isn’t totally convinced the new tables are great, but she doesn’t hate them.

“I like the aesthetic. It makes it feel more welcoming. I’m being serious.” says Abby Cebula, 21. I told her what I thought of her feelings and she refused to say anything more. When asked why she wouldn’t provide more commentary she said, “You said I’m ridiculous. You were mean to me.”

Another student stormed in weighing their opinions. They asked for their identity to be a secret so I will respect their privacy. “Wow. Just wow,” says a student who prefers not to be named.

“Um, they’re brown. You know what, I’m going to give you my opinion. I don’t like them,” said Sam Szwart 21’, There’s a reason why I don’t like them too. The reason why I don’t like them is that the tables are slightly higher. 3-5 inches higher. I have to reach up to eat my food. I don’t want to reach up to eat my food. Um, I think I don’t like grease. Like the fact when it’s wet it has no stick. Things slide off of it very easily. Um, oh also did we get new chairs? No.”

So far, the tables have only conquered one section of the cafeteria. But as the days proceed, they might continue to cover more areas of the cafeteria.

“Who put them there?” added Abby Cebula, 21. That’s a great question. To answer her question, it is currently unknown who is behind the table swapping. Many students suspect that building and grounds might be behind the scheme. Others believe that the change comes directly from the top, Mr. Peter Hutton himself. Peter Hutton has always been a pioneer in innovative furniture. Recently, students have been starting to questioning his furniture selection. The brand new research center has been filled with Steelcase furniture. Peter Hutton seems to be in love with Steelcase, although is it really the best for our school?

Peanut Butter and Jelly. Milk and cookies. Adam and Eve. Salt and Pepper. Ketchup and Mustard. Peter Hutton and Steelcase. These are famous pairs that will go down in History. It has always been known that Peter Hutton has had an undeniable love for Steelcase, and so students wonder if the new addition in the Cafeteria is a product of Steelcase.

I did some research. After extensively searching through the Steelcase product website, I was unable to find this table. These new tables might be an even greater conspiracy. What another secret furniture company is Peter Hutton invested in? How will Steelcase react when they hear that their most loyal customer is turning their back on them?

We can only hope that the fate of the original lunch tables has a happy ending and our students can enjoy the cafeteria to its full capacity.